Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Let you show you my profile

with 2 comments

I have been thoroughly confused about the recent news. I thought I have seen it all when every station on the planet went ballistic over Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and Kim Kardashian. Meanwhile, there was important stuff like Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, newest hair style and what the latest thing that is offending the LGBT community.

All of these important issues have pushed aside things that affect us. Take for instance politics. Right now you cannot turn a page in a newspaper without reading something about Donald Trump. Things have gotten so bad that even the Kilkenny Brothers have started combing their hair the same way.

Get a grip. First off there are enough people chasing after the Republican presidential slot to fill a school bus, albeit the ‘Special’ bus. Second, the convention is nearly a year away. Third, the bought and paid for Republican leadership will do anything, including throwing him under that bus to get Trump out of the running.

Back at the Democratic Committee everyone knows that they don’t have the proverbial ‘snowballs’, chance so they are going to run whoever is dumb enough to want the slot. Even Mother Teresa would not have a shot.

Another non-issue that keeps showing up is gun control.  A while back I did the research. If every gun in the country was melted down there would be enough iron to frame 110 Empire State Buildings. If that is not enough picture this, “Knock, knock. Who’s there? We’re here to confiscate your guns.” ‘Click’ that is the sound of the safety being released.

Remember that PB&J sandwich you had for lunch? You should have washed it down with a glass of arsenic. Know why? Because chances are it contained gluten. Ten years ago we never heard of gluten. If we saw the word we would have assumed it was an improper spelling of ‘glutton’. So we merrily munched on our bagels, hamburgers, etc. in complete ignorance. So the next time you have a ham and cheese on rye, say your prayers.

The clock kid has hit the headlines. Put yourself in the position of the school authorities. A Muslim teenager comes into school with a briefcase containing a poorly wired countdown clock. What would you do? I would have gob smacked that kid through the nearest window. Then I would have covered him and his briefcase with a ton of sandbags and called the bomb squad. Profiling? You bet. Oops Mohammed, my bad.

The so-called refugees are flooding Europe. Conspicuous in their absence are women and children. Chairman Mao told us that 10% are sure to be terrorists. He would know. So now the President has ordered 100,000 of them be admitted to our country. That is 10,000 undocumented, unidentifiable potential terrorists. Trust me, our Uncle Sam taught me how to blow the roof off a house without bending the nails with stuff you find in any kitchen. These guys are not going to be driving cabs or working in convenience stores.

Oops, there I go profiling again. © 2015, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

September 24, 2015 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Jim, so hilarious, yet so true. Carry On !

    Eldon Kilberger

    September 24, 2015 at 4:42 p09

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