Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Geezing

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As we get a bit older there are some impolite individuals who describe us using the insulting sobriquet of “old geezer”.  As a ‘greyback from wayback’ I take offense at this. Not because it is an age reference, but because they think it is easy to geez.

Shopping can be a bit of a challenge. There are many stores that offer discounts to senior citizens. If they do not know you by sight they ask for proof of your age. So far, so what? The bad part is when they look at your driver’s license and they check your age the clerk’s eyes open wide and softly say “Whoa!” in amazement. My usual response is to grunt.

By the time you get to the geez stage of your life you are bound to have a grandkid or nine. It is our responsibility to insure that they have appropriate skills and habits. Just a few are: do not shake the beer when you fetch it for granddad; there are certain occasions call for socially inappropriate language. These include, but are not limited to; watching your favorite football team get creamed, hitting your knee on the trailer hitch, running out of hot water in the shower; fishing is a spiritual event; early Arnold Schwarzenegger movies are works of cinematic genius and always pull Pawpaw’s finger when he tells you to.

By the time the wrinkles have set in your average geezer has learned certain rules to live by. One is when you sit down at the poker table and look around to find the sucker and you cannot find him, it is you. Never move into a town where the churches outnumber the saloons. Never run up a bar tab that is larger than your weight. Never bet on a horse/dog/mule race when you have half-a-load on.

Golf is another pursuit that occupies a great deal of the geezer’s time. In many cases it is, to quote Mark Twain, “A nice walk spoiled”. But to us golden agers this is a serious business. Hitting the ball is no longer the fluid, easy motion that it used to be. The old “Rice Crispy” cereal ad that said, “Snap, crackle, pop” is what you hear from the tee box. Follow-through is a thing of the past. Keeping score is an exercise in creative math. I have seen retired math professors and CPAs having great difficulty with such advanced sums as 4+6+5+8. Fortunately, we still retain our abilities when it comes to the 19th hole.

One thing that we do have down pat is napping. We have the ability to catch 40 winks on a picket fence. Snoring is another skill though I have to admit it does have the tendency to scare household pets, rattle windows and anger the neighbors. The sound has often been compared to the resonance associated with sawmills. A note of caution to those who are so foolish as to wake us. We do know how to use firearms.

I hope you have enjoyed this column, you’ve been ‘geezed’. © 2015, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

October 22, 2015 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Humor

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