Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The world through a porthole

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Following a long standing tradition in the Clan McGowan my grandson Jake has joined the military, in this case the US Navy. This burst of patriotic fervor was brought on in the usual manner. The judge told him he could join the military or do 12 months in the joint. Consequently, “Anchors Aweigh” was a no brainer.

He signed up to be a meteorologist. Jake is not the SEAL team type. I thought that was a pretty good choice. Then he went on to say he thought that would keep him on dry land. I had to explain to him that the US Navy is all about the big gray things that go far, far away and bob around on what we call an ocean. I also explained that the folks in charge of the gray bobbers have an intense need to know about all things weather related. He seemed surprised. I told him not to worry. The USN has a well earned reputation for great chow and he could look forward to three hots and a cot. I also told him that when he is not weathering he is going to be swinging a paint brush. The Navy is very big on painting. Unfortunately, it is always the same color. I also clued him in on the fact that until he gets his ‘sea legs’ he is going to be ‘riding the rail’ getting rid of that great chow in a very unseeming manner.

The family decided to throw Jake a going away party. I am all about a party no matter what the excuse particularly when someone else is buying the beer. Or as they say in the USN, “Any port in a storm.” Things went as might be expected. His mother and grandmother were all teary eyed. His dad and I just stood back and watched him get embarrassed by all the hugs. From the fuss the women made you would think he was going on a one-way trip to Mars. His father and I are infantry vets and were of the opinion that the worst thing that could happen was for him to come back with a STD.

He is the Navy’s problem now. He is about to learn that senior NCOs are not his friend and have a shockingly poor knowledge of basic anatomy, that sleeping in ends around five a.m., that the military has a strange fixation on shined shoes and well made bunks, and everything the government issues you is just a loan and they want to be sure that you are taking good care of it, hence the weekly, “Junk on your bunk and things on the springs.”

Well, the best of luck to Jake. He is about to learn some lessons that cannot be learned elsewhere. I leave him with this advice, “Watch out for those guys from New Jersey.”

Just in case I think I am going to have a talk with my broker about buying some Iranian war bonds.

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Written by harmonycounty

November 19, 2015 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Humor

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