Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Our usual family Thanksgiving

with 2 comments

We are all familiar with the famous Norman Rockwell painting, “Freedom From Want”, of the family gathered around the dinner table enjoying a Thanksgiving Supper. If you were to convert my family’s Thanksgiving into an art form it would be more like a movie by Quentin Tarantino.

Things start off in the usual manner. The police stop by and set up the metal detectors at both the front and back doors. In addition to their normal uniform they are decked out in full body armor, carry half-gallon cans of industrial strength pepper spray and a golf bag full of cattle prods. None of those sissy tazars for them.

I usually get busy in the kitchen early in the morning. Fortunately I do not have to stuff the bird. Eagles come already stuffed, but the feathers are a mess. I normally like to prepare a second meat dish. Something you normally cannot find in Wally-World. As you can imagine the Kilkenny Brothers get a little nervous and silently disappear under the bed. The year it is stuffed skunk.

Like all good guest everyone asks what they could bring. The first year I told them to bring whatever they wanted. Consequently, I ended up with enough mac and cheese to feed the 2nd Battalion 506th Infantry for a week. Now I tell everyone to bring wine. This year even that may be a problem because I don’t know what goes well with stuffed skunk.

The mob starts to arrive around two p.m. or so. Many are in a white and black striped coveralls, are chained ankle to ankle and are accompanied by guards. Other just go through the ‘pat-down’, an electronic finger print check and eyeball scan. Grannie Fannie Fenstermacher keeps on going through the pat-down station until the cops toss her out.

I have a little sign at the front door that says, “Check your guns and knives here. If you don’t have a gun or a knife a limited selection is available in the office for a small fee.” It is the usual setup in the parlor. Booze on the right, drugs on the left. I usually have the football games on the TV. This keeps a bunch of the folks busy on their phones since they are ‘Sporting event consultants’ (Read bookies).

Finally it is chow time. The kiddies have their own table in a room where the walls are covered with plastic sheets. That makes it much easier to clean up with a pressure washer. It sort of looks like the mess hall in the Youth Detention Facility.

The adults are in the dining room where everything is set up. You can bet I make a complete inventory of the utensils before and after the meal. The conversation is pretty much the same every year. Sports, summer vacations, good lawyers are the topics. With all of the local law enforcement weenies are around there is an absence of arguments. Din-din over there is a burping competition. Grannie Fannie is the odds on favorite.

Well Happy Thanksgiving to all. If you feel lucky come to my place. Bring ‘skunk wine’.



Written by harmonycounty

November 26, 2015 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Happy Thanksgiving Jim. Locked and loaded. Take Care !!

    Eldon Kilberger

    November 26, 2015 at 4:42 p11

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