Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus #6

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Dear Uncle Seamus; My doctor said that I was drinking to much coffee and that the caffeine was bad for me. I tried decaf but I would sooner drink boiled sweat sock water. I am going to try tea. Any recommendations? – Snoring in Springdale

Dear SIS; First off it is not pronounced tea, but ‘tay’ (Its an Irish thing.) To be honest there are many types available and it is rather confusing. I suppose it is what you add to it that makes the difference. Choices include sugar, milk, honey, lemon or my personal favorite rum. Now that is the way to start your day.

Dear Uncle Seamus; The news has been filled with articles about college students demanding all sorts of stuff like; free tuition, making school officials sign pledges and firing them if they don’t and establishing “safe areas”. I don’t know what to make of it. Please explain. – Baffled in Batesburg

Dear BIB; This is a clear case of the ‘inmates running the institution’. If you want to see an example of their behavior just go to Wally-World and watch a spoiled five-year-old stamp his feet and howl when he doesn’t get his way. The solution is simple. Establish the “safe area” in the Physics Department. A semester of Advanced Calculus will have them begging to be back in there nice, comfy Art History classes.

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am very concerned about the potential disaster that might occur with the admittance of Syrian Refugees into our state. To me it is like inviting the fox into the chicken house. What can we do to protect ourselves. Concerned in Cayce.

Dear CIC; Actually it is a relatively easy problem to control. It is all about selecting where these refugees are placed. A few locations that come immediately to mind are; Death Valley, Detroit, Newark, N.J. or my personal favorite, Washington D.C. I am sure the welcome mat will be out in all those places. Maybe dropping off a few thousand in Hollywood, CA wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am concerned about all of the demands being made for gun control I am a hunter with rifles and shotguns and I also have a pistol for home protection. What am I to do? – Disarmed in Dreher.

Dear DID; I did the math. Using the smallest estimates there are 175,000,000 guns in the US. If each weighed five pounds you would have enough metal to build the iron frames for 115 Empire State Buildings. Next, where are you going to put that many weapons? Lastly, who is going to take the weapons away? Can you imagine a police officer or a soldier being ordered to break into someone’s home to face a well armed citizen? “Knock knock. Who’s there? We ‘re here to confiscate your guns.” “Click” That’s the sound of the gun safety going off. So that leaves the question with all the gun control smoke and mirrors, what is really going on? Copyright 2015, Jim McGowan
 

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Written by harmonycounty

December 3, 2015 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Humor

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