Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A cat’s Christmas (by Fast Eddie Kilkenny)

with 2 comments

“I wish everyone a ‘Merry Christmas’ and to our Jewish friends ‘Happy Hanukah’. Our neighbor across the street is Jewish and has a menorah in his window. Lazy Jake sits for hours and stares at it. Who knows what is going on in his head? But I think he is remembering a distant Christmas past To those who are offended by those messages of goodwill I say, “Tough toenails.”

“However, I do have a beef with those who display the Nativity Scene. No, I am not like some jerks who want to outlaw them. I am miffed because they never display any cats. Humans are just not aware of the key role we played in Bethlehem 2,015 years ago.

“You see that stable was the home to my distant relatives, Kefir and Chainan ben Kilkenny. They were there pulling their normal cat duty of keeping the vermin in check. However, when the exhausted Joseph and Mary entered they knew something special was about to take place.

“Sure enough, just at midnight baby Jesus was born. What with the trip and having the baby, poor Mary was exhausted and Joseph wasn’t much better. So they wrapped the baby in some cloth they had, put him in the manager and fell into a deep sleep.

“That was when our forebearers sprung into action. Anybody could tell that the child needed to be kept warm and comforted. Since his parents were out cold, Kefir jumped up and wrapped himself around the baby’s feet. Toastie tootsies went a long way in keeping him warm.

“Like any newborn the little fellow was upset and a bit cranky. Chainan snuggled next to him and put paw across his chest. Sadly this wasn’t enough. Since we cats can’t sing and some unkind people believe our ‘meows’ are not melodious, ‘C’ had to come up with something.

“We cats have rough tongues so licking was out. So Chainan went deep into his throat and started to purr. It was very soothing for the baby. This is the first time a cat ever purred. The two of them stayed at their posts until the parents awoke. Mary gently caressed them both, scratched their ears and whispered her thanks.

“A bit of an aside. A coupled of days later the Three Wise Men showed up. Gold, frankincense, and myrrh!? Geez, what these folks needed was a decent meal and a warm place to stay. Like it or not this family was homeless. You will also note there were no dogs in this story. They were out guarding their flocks. This is why dogs are always happy to see their humans. They hope it is Jesus.

“So now you know why we cats are up all night, why we purr, why we like our ears scratched and why dogs love people. Hey Jake, you got anything to say?

“Yeah I do. Any of you that are offended by people who say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Hanukah’ go stick your head in the litter box.” Copyright 2015, Jim McGowan



Written by harmonycounty

December 17, 2015 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Jim, excellent column, even got a tear or two out of me ! Jim, Merry Christmas to You and the Boy’s ! ,… I heard catnip is cheap this time of year. Tis’ the merriment for, 4 legger’s that have eluded the history book’s, till now. And Jim, You 2 legger, thanks for the merriment / laughter all year long ! Okay, You deserve a nip’ to.

    Eldon Kilberger

    December 17, 2015 at 4:42 p12

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