Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The Kilkenny Brother’s New Year’s Resolutions

with 2 comments

It is that time of year when we ‘pave the road to h*** with our best
intentions’. Generally, they are pretty standard i.e. loose weight, exercise,
stop smoking, cut back on the booze (we journalists usually avoid this one), stop playing your bagpipes in the driveway naked, etc.
Not to be outdone and in the spirit of the holiday, the Kilkenny Brothers have made some resolutions too.

1.We will take better aim when using the litter box. This will make the boss happy and should cut back on him using words that would embarrass a dock worker. This should stop him using the broom as a hockey stick and us as hockey pucks.

2.We will stop walking across the keyboard when the boss is trying to write. If the tooth be known we can’t spall reel gud and it interopts his train of think which at best is a local.

3.We will leave more room on our bed so he can have some space. You would think he could find a comfy spot on the floor, but he insists on sneaking up on our bunk at night. So we might as well give him a break. The bad part is that he snores.

4.We will stop getting underfoot when he is in the food room and burning stuff. No matter how many cooking tips we give him he just ignores us anyway. Plus, he is an omnivore as if some raw meat would kill him.

5.Since we are in the food room we will stop jumping on the counters and opening the cabinets. The boss gets bent out of shape when we knock down stuff like cracker boxes, soup cans and junk. He cannot get it through his head that we are simply trying to make it easier for him to get at it. He’s all OCD about it.

6.We will stop sharpening our nails on the rugs and furniture. I think he is
just plain jealous. Did you ever see those blunt things at the end of human
paws? It is no wonder they can’t even catch a mouse. We think the scratching gives the place a ‘lived in look’.

7.We will hold down the noise during our three a.m. playtime. This one is going to be a tough one. How can you possibly be a ‘Sith Lord’ without making noise. We just hope he doesn’t find our ‘Light Sabers’.

8.We will stop sitting on the TV clicker. Boy does he ever get bent out of shape when we ‘butt change’ the program. It is as if he refuses to learn something when we change it to our favorite, “The Animal Channel”.

That ought to just about cover it. We hope we can do better than most
two-leggers. Their resolutions usually crash and burn in less than a month. If you think we are kidding, how would you like to share a double hot fudge nut sundae with extra whipped cream with me?


Written by harmonycounty

December 31, 2015 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Well played Jim, Happy New Year !!! One resolution I never break,…. reading your hilarious, but to the point, columns.

    Eldon Kilberger

    December 31, 2015 at 4:42 p12

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