Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus 1-2016

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Dear Uncle Seamus; The weather here has been flip-flopping. One day it is a warm, short sleeve day and the next you have to bundle up with everything in the closet. As you might guess I have come down with a world-class cold. What is the best cure? – Snotty in Swansea.

Dear SIS;  Every family has some sort of homemade cure. You know; honey and lemon; hot tea with peppermint, snail soup, etc. In reality there is no cure. You have to just ride it out cowboy. However, excessive use of whisky does have a debilitating effect. Just pound a pint of the cheap stuff, no need to buy the good booze you can’t taste it anyway. It won’t cure anything, but you’ll be more numb than a fence post and not care.

Dear Uncle Seamus; I hate to admit it but I am addicted to Facebook. However, there is something I just can’t understand. Why are there so many photos of cats? It seems like every other posting is of some furry wee beastie and to be honest some of the critters are just ugly. What is this all about? – Cat Up in Cayce.

Dear CUC; There is a lot of truth in the old saying, “Dogs drool, cats rule.” It is a well kept secret that cats will soon take over the world. They make ISIS and their ilk look like a bunch of sissy boys. We have no choice but to submit. I recommend that you adopt a cat, get a good camera and do as you are told.

Dear Uncle Seamus; After being retired for three days, I have concluded that retirement will be difficult. There are five dangers waiting to derail this adventure. 1) Total boredom. 2) Eating because you can. 3) Becoming an alcoholic. 4) Spending far too much time on the internet. 5) Sleeping as an activity. What can I do? – Bored Blue in Batesburg.

Dear BBIB; I feel for you, but I just can’t reach you. GET A JOB!!!

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am up to my ears in all of the political advertising that is in the media. You can’t turn around without some politico explaining his position on a difficult and complicated issue in a 30 second ad. What can I do to retain my sanity? – Pounded in Pelion.

Dear PIP; There is only a few rather drastic measures you can take to get away from the political hogwash tidal wave. You can go deep into the woods and find a cave and live there until it is over. You can move to Red China. They only have one political party. You can go to a political rally naked. The police will arrest you and take you to a very secure, non-political place. No matter, if you think it is bad now just wait until primary season begins. So, suck it up buttercup. It is only going to get worse. Copyright 2016, Jim McGowan

 

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Written by harmonycounty

January 7, 2016 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Humor

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