Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The Blizzard of ’16

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The folks of Harmony County had to endure a serious bout of ‘Global Warming’ last week. All of the different weather channels were preaching doom and gloom about Winter Storm Joshua. (The naming of winter storms is an ego trip by ‘The Weather Channel’ yahoos. No government organization names winter storms like they do for hurricanes and typhoons.)

Well the Harmony County Panic Button got pushed, by a sledge hammer. There was a stampede to the stores. Unlike other folks who clean off the shelves of bread, milk and TP, the local yokels didn’t leave a bottle of beer, wine or whiskey. Even the freelance pharmacists were swamped. You have to have your priorities.

The Flippin’, Dippin’ and Sippin’ Redneck Bar had a packed house. Normally this would be a cause for great joy on the part of the owner. However, when everybody showed up with sleeping bags it was apparent that this was not going to be a normal night. Line dancing was out since the dance floor was snore city.

Fortunately, all of the pets in the area were well cared for. Granny Fannie Fenstermacher even brought in her chickens. Unfortunately, she learned a harsh lesson concerning the purpose of having a large chicken run. Yard birds are very territorial so once they were inside the feathers did fly. Grannie Fannie’s birds put up such a brawl it would make your average cockfight look like a ’70s love-in. Anybody need to stuff a pillow or twelve?

It would be difficult to estimate exactly how much snow fell. In the northern part of the county there were drifts of up to one-half inch. Once the snow stopped people were outside shoveling their walks. Most of them used teaspoons. Ice on roads was indeed a problem. Have you ever seen a pickem-up truck do a pirouette? It is a sight to behold. I saw some of my neighbors whirl by like a mechanized Bolshoi Ballet. Walking was no easier. Tree hugging became a favorite sport and it had nothing to do with nature conservation. Pedestrians became the four gaited mules of legend, “Start, F**t, stumble, and fall.”

The Kilkenny Brothers were thoroughly confused. When they went to the window sill for their morning nap, instead of leaf carpet that I like to call a ‘front yard’, they saw nothing but a glaring white. They came stumbling back blinking and walking into the furniture. I am glad I do not speak ‘Cat’ because their “Meows” had a very harsh tone.

Admittedly, we escaped with just minor difficulties. Our friends in Atlanta got hit pretty heavy. I still am trying to figure out why they always rush out to the I 285 Bypass and park for the night with their engines running. The ditches had the “Standing Room Only” sign out and the electric driver’s warning signs over the Interstate displayed, “What are you doing here, fool?”

As they say, “We will recover, we will survive.” I hope so, I’m almost out of beer. Copyright 2016, Jim McGowan

 

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Written by harmonycounty

January 28, 2016 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Humor

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