Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Bernie and Hilldog in Harmony County

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Some knothead at the Democratic National Committee got the brain numbing idea to have Bernie Sanders and Hilldog have a debate in Harmony County. Ostensibly, it was to see the reactions of the ‘common folk’. The folk in Harmony County are many things, but ‘common’ certainly is not one of them.

The last President they remember was FDR. At the beginning of WWII he locked the entire County down. The place was surrounded with barbed wire and had a company of Military Police keeping the Countidiots in. It was supposed to be an internment camp. Well, it was a week and all of the wire was stolen and the MPs went AWOL. (They were later found at Madame Orr’s House.)

It was not 15 minutes after they crossed the county line that advance teams for both individuals were in shock. It seems that the ‘common people’ were not responding as desired. When they mentioned that their candidates were coming to HC instead of the desired look of wonder and thanks the best they got was a blank stare and a, “Who?” So instead of a packed house based on the drawing power of the debaters they were going to have to come up with something else.

The best they could think of was some kind of giveaway. This is when the, “Free Beer” signs started to appear on every blank space and tree in the county. This statement guarantees that every journalist on the “Harmony County Weekly Blister” will be in attendance, including the Religious Editor, Sister Mary Elephant. However, county folks are a skeptical bunch and a ‘something for nothing’ pitch is viewed with suspicion.

The free adult beverage made the security a bit of a challenge. The Secret Service guys should up with an attitude. The sheriff, who they treated like a dumb, redneck, hick with a badge, just smirked. He knew that they were in for a learning experience that was never covered in their training. Their weapons check metal detector burnt out after the first 20 folks went through.

The people got bored by standing in line and the beer was getting warm so everybody just pushed by the SS guys aside. This has never happened before and the agents were flustered. “Hey you people can’t go in without a check. We’re Secret Service! We got dark suits and sunglasses!” They whined. The universal response by the Countians was a simple two word phrase that I will not repeat here.

No one really listened to the speeches. Everyone was too busy guzzling beer and taking photos with their smartphones. Probably the highlight of the evening was a burping contest between the Mayor and Reverend Graball. The Rev. Was an easy winner by belching, “Rock Of Ages”.

But a valuable lesson was learned by the candidates. After the bash the local beer distributor came up to the Bernster and Hilldog and handed them the bill. Both of them gasped in shock. The distributor said, “There is no such thing as free. Pay up.”© 2016, Jim McGowan



Written by harmonycounty

February 11, 2016 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Humor

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