Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus #1-2016

with 3 comments

Dear Uncle Seamus; The other night I was watching TV and I thought I heard an empty beer can bouncing down the front steps. I paid no attention, but a little while later I heard it again. I went outside to check and low and behold there was Hilldog with what was left of a 12-pak, burping and mumbling dirty cowboy songs. How do you get politicians to get off your porch. – Unwelcome in West Columbia.

Dear Unwelcome; Normally I would say sic the dog on them, but even dogs have standards as to who they will bite. Politicians leave a bad taste in their mouths. You could use pepper spray or a taser. However, if you come up behind her and whisper, “Monica Lewinsky” into her ear, that should send her screaming into the night.

Dear Uncle Seamus; There is an unusual amount of ink being used in the media concerning gun control. It seems that the liberals want to take my guns away and the conservatives do not. I am very concerned about this issue. What do you recommend? – Pew, pew, pew in Pelion.

Dear PPP; When I had to endure a travesty of justice and do time in the pokie, I met a bunch of people that I assure you will not be at the next church supper. I can guarantee you that these guys are not turning in their guns. So here are a few points to ponder; The quickest the police can get to your house is five to ten minutes, if the order comes down to confiscate guns would you as a local LEO want to kick in the door of a gun owner, do not get a 23-year-old public defender unless you want to make some new ‘special’ friends.

Dear Uncle Seamus; I follow a bunch of different weather channels on TV and on the internet. It seems that the only thing they agree on is the date. Are we supposed to have; extreme heat or extreme cold, flooding rains or endless drought, increased snow or no snow, increased winds or lack of wind, killer hurricanes or no hurricanes? What in the name of Al Gore are we to do? – Weather Watcher in Westwood.

Dear WWW; At best weather prediction on the long or short term is a crap shoot. Everything falls apart after three days. You might just as well try to pick the 2017 Super Bowl winner. So in the words of my former First Sergeant, “Stick your head out the window.”

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am a huge fan of Donald Trump. What I most admire is his hair style, even though there does not seem to be much going on underneath it. Where can I get a wig just like his? – Bald in Batesburg.

Dear BB; I have no idea where you can get a toupee like the Trumpster’s. However, if you can get a hamster in the same color to sit still on your head you should have an equal effect. © 2016, Jim McGowan

 

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Written by harmonycounty

February 18, 2016 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Humor

3 Responses

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  1. Good one’, Jim, as usual. !!!!!

    Eldon Kilberger

    February 18, 2016 at 4:42 p02

  2. […] Source: Ask Uncle Seamus #1-2016 […]


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