Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“Orange is my new black”

with 2 comments

Maybe some of my older and less than politically correct readers will remember the Ray Wylie Hubbard song, “Up Against The Wall, You Redneck Mother.” It was a nightmare come true because, I GOT BUSTED!!! All of you self-righteous types can quit giggling. I know that were it not for Bernie the Attorney you would have been on the inside looking out too.

Every two weeks a cleaning team comes over and does a number on the cottage. Besides me being lazy they have the equipment for the job. You know, pressure washers, flame throwers, jack hammers etc. The Kilkenny Brothers and I are not very tidy.

From Day One the team has always politely insisted that I leave. They do this with the same aplomb of Bubba the Bouncer at the Flippin’ Sippin’ and Dippin’ Redneck Saloon. So I usually pick myself up off the front steps and go hide at my son’s house and act as a snuggle buddy for their dog, ‘Sam’, till they give me a call with the all clear.

So over I went. This day Jim was away at a job interview. No biggie I have a key. Lately there has been a man going around the neighborhood trying to get money by banging on doors and saying that he needs it for groceries for his family or rent. There was also a break in around the corner and another fellow had his truck broke into and had his tools stolen.

However, the woman across the street has just moved in. She is a senior living alone. Once she got informed about the incidents she organized a ‘Neighbor Watch’ program. But not knowing me she saw my truck parked in front and called the police. This happened around 11:30 a.m. Not exactly the time I would pick to do a bacon and eggs (Breaking and Entering in hardened criminal lingo.) and I certainly would not leave my truck parked in front of my intended target.

So there is a knock on the door and I answer it and it is the Camden equivalent of Officer Krumpke standing there. Sam, using his sixth sense, figured out something was wrong, viciously attacked the officer and nearly licked his badge off. That killed the “I’m in charge” atmosphere that police try to establish.

The officer told me why he was there, asked for my ID and the reason why I was there. I explained. He figured out that the situation was not going to get him an extra stripe and we settled down to wait for my son to return. I called Jim and told him that the LEO had pepper sprayed me twice and was reaching for his taser. Have you ever seen a cop blush?

Finally Jim came back. However, not being one to miss a chance to fool around, looked me up and down and said that he had never seen me before. That’s when I yelled, “HEY!!! I DON’T LOOK GOOD IN ORANGE!!!”

The cop just shook his head and left.© 2016, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

March 3, 2016 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Their’ doin’ the lime green florescent up North. Brings out those highlight’s ! Good one Jim.

    Eldon Kilberger

    March 3, 2016 at 4:42 p03

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