Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Send me a text

with 2 comments

So here’s the deal, after getting constantly pummeled by ads for the newest electronic gadget you finally submit and go to the local electronic store. Naturally you are thoroughly confused since the display of devices is endless and the store clerk is speaking in a language known only to computer nerds and natives of planet Ceda Alpha Six.

So you tell the clerk you want something just to make phone calls, send text messages and take photos on rare occasions. The clerk, in turn, looks at you as if you are wearing animal skins, have a club in your hand and just emerged from the a cave.

The clerk breathes deep, takes you over to the display and points out a phone. He then says, “This model has a 5.5-inch (diagonal) Retina HD display with 1920-by-1080 resolution, 3D Touch, A9 chip with integrated M9 motion coprocessor, 12-megapixel iSight camera with Focus Pixels, True Tone flash, Live Photos and optical image stabilization, 4K video recording at 30 fps and slo-mo video recording for 1080p at 120 fps, 5MP FaceTime HD camera with Retina Flash, Second-generation Touch ID, LTE Advanced 1 and 802.11a/b/g/n/ac and Wi-Fi with MIMO, and iOS 9 and iCloud.”  (Quoted from an actual ad.)

About a quarter of the way through the pitch your eyes have glazed over, your jaw has dropped and you are drooling down the front of your shirt. The best you can come up with is, “Yeah, but can I make calls and send texts?” Yup, you are making Fred Flintstone look like a genius.

Now you can have this beauty starting at $750.00, before taxes and it is the size of a surfboard. However, like they say in the TV commercials, “But Wait!” You have to join a plan. This means you have to commit your life, liberty and eldest born to using their phone service or you get slapped with a fine roughly equivalent to the GDP of Switzerland.

Clearly you are way out of your league. It is time to bring in an expert. So you go home and drag your 12-year-old kid, or in my case, grandkid back to the store. His/her instructions are clear you hand the kid your credit card and say, “Go in there and get me a phone that I can make calls and send texts. Nothing more.”

The kid gives you the same look the clerk did and mumbles something about “the Smithsonian” You watch the two of them negotiating through the store window and they look back at you and smirk from time to time. Finally they close the deal and your advisor comes out with the same phone the clerk showed you and you go home.

The child gives you a briefing on how to operate the phone and sets it up for you and leaves. The very first text you get is from the phone company. It is an ad to upgrade to their newest model that just came out to replace your new one.© 2016, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

March 10, 2016 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. JIm, hilarious, with your wit’. Yet so true these day’s. Love My ‘LG’, Wine’, talk, text, pic’s,…….. the Big’ button’s ! And older than any Gunsmoke’ series.

    Eldon Kilberger

    March 10, 2016 at 4:42 p03

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