Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

All decked out and nowhere to go

with 3 comments

The Currahee Cottage has a large back deck. It was uncovered making it unbearable in the summer even though it faces due West. Trust me I have baked my little brain out more than once. Worst yet, it turns an ice cold adult beverage into the temperature of an unmentionable body fluid in minutes. So like a politician I decided it was time for a ‘cover-up’.

First things first. I had to figure out exactly what I wanted. A wet bar, wall to wall carpet, stereo speakers, sleeper couch with matching chairs and ottomans, air conditioning and a pool table would all be slightly over budget. I settled for a tin roof and screens.

Out comes the tape measure and pad. Measure, measure, note, note, scribble, scribble and I figured that the project would be a bit more than I could handle. To be serious, hanging a picture is about my limit. It was time to call the “pro’s from Dover” and get an estimate.

Business must be booming in home improvement sector, because I called everybody in a thirty mile radius and considered myself lucky to get three people out of at least twenty to come by and give me an estimate. Tip: If the contractor pulls up in a $40,000+ pick-up truck you can bet he does not work cheap.

The first guy shows up and we go for a walk-around and I explain what I want. He pulls out a three-pound calculator, the kind with the long screen, and starts adding. Finally he shows the results to me. Now, I have been around a long time. There is not a lot that is going to shock me. I looked at it. Rubbed my eyes and looked again and it was “Thud” when I passed out and hit the floor.

I woke up to find Fast Eddie staring in my face with a worried look on his puss. “You OK, Boss?” The contractor was sitting on the couch drinking my last beer. I slowly got up and mumbled, “I’ll get back to you.” He roared off to find a more solvent customer.

The next guy showed up and we went through the walk-around drill. This time I had sense enough to be sitting down when he showed me the estimate. It was a bit less, but he said he could only fit me in some time in 2023.

By now I’m getting desperate and thinking about sunscreen with an SPF of 2,318. The last guy stops by. He was cheaper than the other two by half and I agree without hesitation. A couple of days later he starts.

For three days it was nothing but, ‘pound, pound, pound’ and ‘saw, saw, saw’. Then the project was complete. I have to admit he did a pretty good job. So now I have a nice place to enjoy the summer air and do some camping within walking distance of the bathroom.

The only problem is I have to sit on the floor. Furniture next year.© 2016, Jim McGowan

 

 

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Written by harmonycounty

March 31, 2016 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Humor

3 Responses

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  1. Jim, excellent ! Don’t forget that mini frig’ !

    Eldon Kilberger

    March 31, 2016 at 4:42 p03

    • I can handle warm beer. I was stationed in Germany, way back when, and they look at you funny if you want a cold beer. However, it took a lot of practice.

      harmonycounty

      March 31, 2016 at 4:42 p03

  2. LoL well you can put a chair from the livingroom then you wo t be on the floor.

    Kerri

    March 31, 2016 at 4:42 p03


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