Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Our weekend in h__l!

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(This week’s column duties have been taken over by the Kilkenny Brothers.)

My stepdaughter came for a visit this weekend. She left on Sunday morning for her home in Norfolk. We had a great time. She brought two of her dogs and naturally the Kilkenny Brothers were appalled. They hid under the bed the whole weekend. They set up their bunker with sandbags filled with kitty litter and had kitty klaymores mines set up. They finally reemerged, very cautiously, when they left. Here is what they had to say about her recent visit:

“I kinda like her visits,” said Fast Eddie. “She is a good ear scratcher and she always brings us the really good treats. Not like our human who gets us the cheap ones or none at all. She also is a great snuggle buddy since she doesn’t make those awful growling sounds like our two-legger does. What do you think Jakey?”

Lazy Jake replied, “Yeah bro, she’s cool.”

Fast Eddie continued, “However, this weekend everything went pear-shaped. She came for a visit this Friday evening and she had the nerve to bring DOGS! Ugh, DOGS! The nerve of the woman.  One was a great big hairy one with an odd Australian accent. The other was much smaller. What humans call a ‘yippy dog’. It was smaller than us, but had a huge bad attitude. Right Jake?”

Lazy Jake yawned, “Yeah bro, bad attitude.”

“The two of them came bursting through like the cops do when our boss does something naughty. We did like he does and ran to the bedroom and dove under the bed. We ran as fast as we could and the little yippy dog was hot on our heels. Lazy Jake got there first. Once I got under I spun around and took a swipe at the dog. I connected and I can guarantee he won’t be doing any serious sniffing for a while. Right Jake?”

Lazy Jake mumbled, “Yeah bro, no sniffing.”

Fast Eddie went on, “Things finally calmed down after a while. When the coast was clear we snuck into the kitchen and made up some sandbags out of sandwich bags and kitty litter. We dragged them back, built a bunker, hunkered down and waited for the next attack. We also made some kitty klaymore mines out of some other stuff that was in the litter box. (Use your imagination.) Right Jake?”

Lazy Jake agreed, “Yeah bro, use imagination.”

“After everything was set up it was two-hours on and two-hours off through the night. We snuck back to the kitchen in the middle of the night to eat and those rotten dogs had eaten all of our kibbles. So it was going to be a war of attrition with no prisoners,” said Fast Eddie. “Right, Jake?”

Lazy Jake growled, “Yeah bro, no prisoners.”

“So that was our weekend. No naps, very little chow and no “Animal Planet” on TV. However, we will get our revenge. Since we couldn’t use our litter box we left a few surprises in the boss’s shoes. Right Jake?

Lazy Jake grinned, “Yeah bro, surprise, surprise.”© 2016, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

April 28, 2016 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Humor

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