Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Mark your calendar

with 2 comments

Things in Harmony County went more crazy than usual. As you know last Saturday was “Gardening In The Nude Day”. Or as it is known around here, “Call The Wrecker I Just Drove Into A Tree Day.” Of course it is followed by, “I Need To Borrow Bail Money Day.” Needless to say the sheriff and his deputies were very busy and the holding cells at the jail were packed. (We will not discuss that point, but fire hoses and pepper spray were involved.)

Oddly enough, Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher, does not participate. It might have to do with the fact that she has a few years on her and gravity is not her friend or, perhaps, she does not need a bunch of the local LEOs chasing her around her property and stumbling across her ‘Carolina Skull-Crusher’ patch.

I was undecided about my participation. My lawn does need mowing. However, the risk of having something thrown up by the blades was just not worth it. Consider, if you will, what kind of an excuse you will have to make up in the emergency room not to mention the laughter of the medics. “You see nurse, it was this way…”

Around noon things were pretty much back to normal. There was a rush at the local drug stores for calamine lotion and stuff for bug bites, but other than that all was well.

Another big day in Harmony County is “International Respect for Chickens Day”. Please note it is an ‘International Day’.  We love our chickens. We love them because they provide us with eggs, keep the grass trimmed, and when they go to that big coop in the sky they provide us with supper. Not so much when they wake us up at dawn. Have you hugged your chickens today?

My personal favorite is ‘National Columnist Day’. Yes there is one. Me and a few of my fellow inksters go to a saloon, have a few and sing columnist songs. Then we get tossed out.

One day that we celebrate, but the rest of the country does not is, May Day. It is not that we are a bunch of Commies. To be realistic the Harmony Countidiots are anarchists, They hate every form of government that exercises control over them. During the Revolutionary War redcoats and bluecoats were both targets.

However, when May Day rolls around they celebrate in the classic Russian style. That is to say they have a MayPole and lots of vodka or what passes for vodka. They set out the pole in front of the County Office Building. They roll in a few barrels of the mystery booze made fresh that week and laissez les bons temps rouler.

The sheriff knows enough not to interfere. He just backs up the Black Moriah, conducts an hourly police call and unceremoniously dumps in the drunks. Occasionally, someone gets taped to the pole either accidentally or on purpose. Again the cops step in and untangles him.

After all, it’s May Day not the Inquisition.© 2016, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

May 5, 2016 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Cinco da Mayo’ , doesn’t stand a chance !

    Eldon Kilberger

    May 5, 2016 at 4:42 p05

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