Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Please don’t feed the animals

with 2 comments

Every year the Harmony County Commission holds a Correspondent Night. This year’s was a rather staid affair since they closed the bar early. The first Gala they had an open bar. They will never do that again since free booze to a newspaper hack is an invitation to disaster. They had to call for an emergency resupply of liquor and raise the tax rate in the county to pay for all the booze.

Additionally, the sheriff confiscated everything that even looked like a car key. Consequently, the park across from the Commission Office was filled with passed out journalists who could only stumble that far before the effects of cheap whisky and gravity took over.

As you might expect this is a black tie affair. The scribes were a bit confused thinking that it had to do with shoelaces. You see, that is why they always wear loafers, Somebody had to remind them that it was neckties. Thank goodness that there is such a thing as clip ons. If not there would have been serious risk of strangulation. The only time that they have worn proper ties was when their mommies’ tied them.

The choice for the main course was easy. Since anything that comes out of a 12-piece bucket is considered haute cuisine to this crowd they simply wrapped the bucket in tinfoil and ‘eh voila’ dinner is served. This is where those ties came in handy. These guys are not the napkin types. Why bother when you have ties and sleeves handy. The ‘slurps’ and the ‘burps’ were nearly deafening and chicken bones filled the air. This crew would have Martha Stewart begging to be back in jail.

Once the tables were cleared, the waiters given oxygen, and the walls pressure washed it was time for the guest speakers. Obviously there are not going to be a lot of volunteers to speak in front of this group. After all, they hold as Rule #1 the teachings of Mark Twain, “Make sure you get your facts right, then go ahead and lie.”  But to prove that he has what it takes or is a complete idiot the principal speaker was no other than Donald Trump.

Trump made a grand entrance. He marched down the center aisle, but as he viewed the audience he slowed down finally coming to a stop about halfway. At this point one of his aides who was following reached out and “Gibb Slapped” him to get him moving. Once he got to the podium he stood behind it much like a kid playing hide-and-seek. Eventually he gave his speech which was kind of odd since the only thing visible was his hair-do.

It was his boilerplate “Make America Great Again” speech, but he set the world, indoor, freestyle, speed talking record. The pro-forma sign language translator dislocated both wrists trying to keep up. There was no question and answer session because when he finished he threw his notes in the air and sprinted for the exit.

Next year they want Hilldog to speak, if she gets paroled.© 2016, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

May 12, 2016 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Jim, excellent column ! Jolt of laughter with every sentence. Great work !

    Eldon Kilberger

    May 12, 2016 at 4:42 p05

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