Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Summertime and the living is goofy

with 2 comments

It is the time of the year that the sports guys at the Harmony County Weekly Blister are having a difficult time coming up with something to write about. Hockey and basketball are winding down, finally. There is something weird about winter sports being played when it is nearly summer. Baseball is underway, however it is nearly impossible to come up with something original when there is one-hundred and sixty-five games per season.

Football is coming up in the end of August and the standard boilerplate story is to pick one team each week and go into great detail how that team is going to win the conference. You know that they have hit the bottom of the barrel when they start writing about third string waterboys and the guys who wash the dirty towels and uniforms. And be still my heart here is a 500 word story on the grounds keepers getting a new machine to mark the gridiron stripes.

The only fallback that they have is soccer. However, soccer is not at all popular here in Harmony County. Somehow a bunch of guys running around in matching underwear for an hour-and-a-half does not have the drawing power of a bunch of really big, mean guys slamming into one another going full tilt.

Stories about things like fishing are run. They always are accompanied by pix of folks holding up 18-inch long fish claiming that the critter weighs 23 pounds. Yeah right, Either the scales were way off or this guy stuffed the fish with enough sinkers to anchor the boat.

The hoi polloi have polo matches to go to. This can be rather dangerous. You have a horse and rider working together and the horse usually is the brains of the outfit. I have seen a literal stampede go crashing into the audience sending the viewers scattering for dear life. It is kind of amusing to see Dame Louisa Farnsworth-Farnsworth scrambling up a tree hooting like a banshee.

There are the Olympics, but they only come around once every four years. There are a few negatives. First off nobody has ever heard of some of these countries. Some of the sports are just impossible to understand. The Russians are drugged up to their ears and there is nothing quite as boring as watching a bunch of sweating beanpoles running around a track for two or three hours or swimmers going back and forth for the same amount of time. Race walking? Come on, give me a break.

Golf is not a popular sport here in the county. First off it takes a ton of money to get the equipment. Dressing up like a Broom Street pimp lacks appeal. One has to remember Mark Twain’s admonition that, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Tennis falls into the same category. Not a lot of Countidiots are going to dress up in white just to trip jumping over a net and fall on their face.

Maybe they can make ‘beer pong’ a sport.© 2016, Jim McGowan





Written by harmonycounty

May 19, 2016 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Jim, so true, yet so funny. Beer pong’, yes. Challenging the food pyramid !

    Eldon Kilberger

    May 19, 2016 at 4:42 p05

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