Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus 5-26-16

with 3 comments

Dear Uncle Seamus; There has been a bunch of reports in the news concerning the use of sex appropriate restrooms. What are your views on this most urgent issue? – Legs Crossed In Lexington.

Dear LCIC; First off you are going to need to take a basic course in biology. I’m talking at the high school freshman level. Once you figure which side of the street you are on you should be able to figure out which latrine is appropriate for you. Failing that, move out to the country, way out to the tall and uncut. Take a shovel.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Sadly, my cell phone died after many years of service. With all of the phones available I finally settled on a ‘Zap Blaster 6’. It is made in China and the operating instructions were obviously written by a Chinese nerd that had English as a fourth language. How am I going to get this thing to work. I only want to call my bookie. – Speechless in Swansea.

Dear SIS; Contact a third grader you must. “Geek speak” is first language their. Bookie will find if owe him do you. Protect knees your when Sal and Tony find collect to.

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am so confused about all of the celebrities and pols threatening to leave the country if Trump gets elected president. Is that supposed to be some sort of punishment? – Long Gone In Lexington.

Dear LGIL; As you might guess I’m going to be crushed if Rosie O’Donnell et al. Leaves the country and goes to Canada. However, what makes you think that Canada will let them come in to their country. After all they have standards. However, I am setting up a moving company that will assist them in their move. Send your donations, cash only, to this paper and I will insure they too are long gone.

Dear Uncle Seamus; I am getting a bit overwhelmed by all the horror and zombie movies and TV shows. It seems that there is nothing else but these ‘walking dead’ and ‘haunted house’ stuff and they all seem the same. Most aren’t even scary, but nothing but buckets of blood. When will it all end? – Haunted in Honea.

Dear HIH; You think that trash is scary? Just stick around till election day and it is Hilldog vs Hairdoo. Only this one is going to be real. See you in Canada.

Dear Uncle Seamus; All the media seems to be running ads on mattresses. The one I have is like sleeping on a sack of rocks and broken glass. I’d love to get one, but they are very expensive. Are there any alternatives? – Sleepless in South Congaree

Dear SISC; Easy peasy to fix. Simply set your DVR to the Golf Channel and record everything. When you hit the hay turn it on and watch the heart stopping action. Nothing is more boring. You’ll be in la-la land in a matter of minutes. You could sleep on a picket fence.© 2016, Jim McGowan

 

 

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Written by harmonycounty

May 26, 2016 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Humor

3 Responses

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  1. Uncle Seamus for President !!

    Eldon Kilberger

    May 26, 2016 at 4:42 p05

    • Thanks EK. You think the Saudi’s will contribute to the campaign fund?

      harmonycounty

      May 26, 2016 at 4:42 p05

      • Jim. only in exchange for certain still’ operating locations in Harmony County. Things could get ugly !

        Eldon Kilberger

        May 26, 2016 at 4:42 p05


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