Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The great pretenders

with 2 comments

The staff at the Harmony County Weekly Blister was in shock when news writer, Chumly Burpwell, announced that he was trans-species. He claimed that he identified as an duck-billed platypus. What was worse he started speaking in a heavy Australian accent, “myte”.

Things got seriously weird when he started flopping around on the floor while singing, “Tie Me Kangaroo Down”. However, there was an upside. He stocked the fridge in the breakroom with ‘Foster’s Beer’.

This identification issue is beginning to go over the top. Now we have a Men’s Restroom, a Woman’s Restroom, A He/She restroom and a She/He restroom. The only guy who is happy about this is the plumbing contractor. His kids are going to Harvard. I recommended that we put up a sign that said, “Out Of Order” or “Whichever”, but that got turned down. The publisher is PC all the way.

Needless to say the newsroom is getting smaller and it is apparent that personal hygiene is not an item of prime concern amongst some of these hacks. There is not enough air freshener in the world to handle that pungent group.

Not one to allow a good thing pass by I told the publisher that with all the crowding and the horrid language used by my fellow scribblers that I needed a “Safe Place” to work because they offended me. He looked at me in chagrin, thought about it for a while and finally said, “OK”. He told me to grab an end of my desk and lift. Now I have a safe place out in the parking lot. It’s OK, but a possum just wandered by and gave me the ‘stink eye’.

When you are a child a play everyone pretends to be someone. You know, cowboys or as they are called by the PC group, livestock management technicians, firemen, policemen, astronauts, baseball players or pole dancers. That is just dandy, but when you reach a certain age, say 35 or so, “it is time to put childish things aside.”

When I told my family that I wanted to be a journalist they were appalled. They begged me to be something more respectable like a drug dealer or a pimp. But despite their protests I went ahead and followed my dream. They changed their names and moved to Canada.

I guess nowadays one has to put up with the pretenders. I just look the other way when Chumly flops by going to lunch. He is on a rigid fish diet.

However, journalists are not the only ones pretending to be someone or something they are not. One only has to walk the halls of the Harmony County offices, or any government organization or institutes of learning at any level, to figure that out. Sadly in the White House too. And, come to think of it, any church on a Sunday morning.

So a long time back I decided that I wanted to be Irish. But hold on, I am Irish! So far so good. © 2016, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

June 2, 2016 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Humor

2 Responses

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  1. Great stuff Jim !

    Eldon Kilberger

    June 2, 2016 at 4:42 p06

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