Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The climate she are a-changing

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Mother Nature dropped by the offices of the Harmony County Weekly Blister the other day.  Unfortunately she was carrying a half of  bottle of ‘Mad Dog 20/20, a joint dangling from her lips and, as we say in the ‘ol’ sod’ “drunker than Paddy’s pig”.

Well, being hard-nosed, inquiring journalists we picked her up off the floor, poured her in a chair and asked her the question that has been on all our minds, “What is the truth about ‘climate change?”

Mama N took a little while to focus, let out a belch that would be the envy of any fraternity party beer bust and in her best Jack Nicholson imitation said, “The truth! The truth! You can’t handle the truth!”

She pulled the cork out of the bottle with her teeth and spit it across the room. She continued, “You ******* dummies, of course there is climate change. It has been changing since Day 1. Any of you knotheads remember when there were glaciers here in Harmony County?” We had to admit that we didn’t, but the publisher might.

“Well, if you were around here a couple of gazillion years ago you would have been snow skiing to work if the polar bears didn’t get to you first. Before that there were banana trees growing in your parking lot and the sabre tooth Tigers would have had you for sure. And so it went. Hot to cold to hot to cold, on and on until you get to dinosaurs. Beyond that there was volcanoes and lava flows and all sorts of nasty. So give me some slack.”

We were dumbfounded, but then again we usually are. One guy said, “But there are two groups of scientists. One says the world is getting warmer and the other says it is getting colder. Both groups blame humans for destroying the planet.”

Mother’s eyebrows arched and she said, “I bet you have a picture of Al Gore in your bedroom.” She went on, “Humans are mere fleas on the planet’s butt. One good volcano blast puts out more carbon dioxide than you clowns can in a thousand years.”

“I wouldn’t go quoting the so-called scientists that are espousing either side. You have to look a little deeper at who is writing their paychecks. If these guys had to work for an honest living I am sure their tunes would change. Then there are some groups that are out there who blame cow poots for the rise in temperature, making Ronald McDonald the ultimate villain.”

Mother Nature finished off her bottle and took a long pull on the joint. “So you guys get used to it. There are going to be really hot days in summer and really cold days in winter. Just like it has always been.”

She unsteadily stood up, staggered to the door and said, “Here’s a bit of carbon dioxide for you.” It cleared the room.© 2016, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

June 9, 2016 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Humor

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