Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus 8-18

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Dear Uncle Seamus; I am thoroughly confused about the upcoming national elections. Hilldog is calling Hairball the worst possible choice because he allegedly hates everyone. Hairball is calling Hilldog an incompetent liar who should be locked up for every crime in the book. (BTW, how does someone lose 33,000 emails?) So, who should I vote for? Signed – Confused in Cayce.
Dear CIC; I have to admit that both of the leading candidates make me want to move to The Bahamas no matter who gets elected. The one glimmer of hope is Vermin Supreme, the whack-job from New Hampshire who wears a rubber boot for a hat and three neckties at the same time. He has yet to announce his selection for VP, but I suggest either Pee Wee Harris or SpongeBob SquarePants. If you are going coo-coo, go full out. Just remember, regardless who you vote for, the Harmony County motto, “Vote early, vote often.”
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have been watching the Olympics. I do so enjoy those exciting sports such as ping-pong and badminton. Be still my heart. However, what is with this ‘green pool’ flap? Keeping a pool clean is not exactly rocket science. Signed – Greenish in Gaston.
Dear GiG; There can only be two reasons for the unusual tint of the pool. The first is that the contractor pulled the old switcheroo and when he was supposed to install a high power filter he put in a smaller, cheaper model and pocketed the difference. Or they let the Irish team practice in it right after they had a few beers.
Dear Uncle Seamus; Now that school is back in session I find that I have a lot of time on my hands. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to occupy myself when they are hitting the books? Plus, do you have any kids? Signed – Bored in Batesburg.
Dear BiB; To answer your second question first let’s just say that I get Father’s Day cards from all over the world. In response to the first questions you should find a hobby that interests you. You too can continue your education. Or, get up off your lazy butt and GET A JOB!
Dear Uncle Seamus; According to the world renowned climate expert, Al Gore, we are all supposed to freeze to death any minute now. However, there are other experts that say we probably won’t for the next couple of thousand years. Should I stock up on sweaters or up-gun the air conditioner? Signed – Sweating in Swansea.
Dear SiS; Just how long have you been on this planet? We have a fickle lady called Mother Nature living here. She calls the weather shots, totally ignoring anything the science nerds or wanna-be’s say. Rule of thumb; Here in SC it is hot in the summer and cold in the winter. Just stick your confused head out the window. Copyright 2016, Jim McGowan
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Written by harmonycounty

August 18, 2016 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Humor

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