Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Vacation, where to go?

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Recently I have been talking to my friends and relatives asking for there recommendations for a vacation spot. The most frequent recommendation is Ireland. My response is, “Admittedly they have good booze, but the food is terrible. Worst of all, why would I want to go to a country filled with people like me?”

Back in the day our Uncle Sugar sent me all over the world. I have spent time in places the names of which most folks cannot even pronounce. Try saying, “Tegucigalpa” or “Popocatepetl” one time at any speed.  In some of these places menu choices consisted of species that are distantly related to us who could climb trees and had a propensity for bananas. We will not discuss what passes for booze.

However, I got lucky and was stationed in Germany. It was there I perfected my shivering techniques. Those folks go through two or three snow shovels a year. The chow is so-so. The know their way around veal, but everything else is in sausage form. Here is a little known fact. Everybody raves about German beer.  But, they keep the best at home. The stuff we get here is what they use to wash their cats.

France is a lovely place. I once had somebody say to me, “It so much more beautiful than the States”. That earned a ‘Gibb’s slap’. I replied, “Look here, dummy, they have had 2,000 to 2,500 years to get it right!” The food is good. The waiters are not. If they were serving at the Last Supper, the apostles would still be waiting for dessert.

My favorite European destination is Spain. If you get a chance to go make sure you see Barcelona. They have some of the best seafood restaurants on the planet. Their wine is the best. Make sure you wear your walking shoes, that city has some serious hills. Do not fool with the police. I was walking down the Rumbas (Barcelona’s main drag) and heard two plainclothes cops yell, “Halt”. Then they chased a guy down and tackled him and proceeded to lay a whoopin’ on him that would make a NYC blue suit turn green with envy. No passerby even blinked.

Italy is very nice. I went full bore ‘Tommie Tourist’ when I was there. Those old Romans sure built a lot of stuff. The food there is nothing like what they call “Italian” here. One thing you must be mindful. The Paisans do not know how to drive and the display that ignorance at about 30 to 40 kph over the posted limit. A word to the wise, “Take the train!”

I no longer need to see the world. I think I’ll take my vacation here stateside. As far as it goes this year may be a ‘staycation’. The Kilkenny Brothers and I will lay on a generous supply of beer and catnip and kick back and watch The Travel Channel. © 2016, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

August 26, 2016 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Humor

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