Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Tis the season to be FOOTBALL!

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The time of year that we all have been waiting for has finally arrived! It is Football Season! It has been said that if Southerners had to choose between their football stadium and their church burning down, they would be standing in a parking lot next to a burned, smoking ruin come Sunday morning. They are the only folks I know that think Christmas interferes with the season and should be in July.

I live in South Carolina. The entire population is divided into two groups. There are University of South Carolina Gamecock fans and Clemson University Tigers. Since I am an Auburn University graduate I am looked upon with something between suspicion and pity. (For the record the Kilkenny Brothers are University of Kentucky Wildcats fans, go figure.)

Kids around here start early playing football. The Pop Warner League begins with five-year-olds. I goes on and on until even our senior citizens are out there banging into one another. The game is much slower, you can’t do the 40-yard dash in a walker and expect a sub-900 second time. It takes all the refs to break up a pile-on tackle. Also the water bucket is filled with “Ensure”.

The sports pages are filled with nothing but football. All of the writers fancy themselves prognosticators who are experts in predicting the outcome of games. Usually, after the first game they discover that they were not the know-it-alls they thought they were and the pawn shop is filled with slightly used crystal balls.

The saloons put up a dozen or so TVs. Frankly all those things blaring away, each with a different game, confuses the daylights out of me. However, the barkeeps do a land office business. After the game the clientele is divided between celebrants and sobbers. That is the time to leave because the brawl is about to start and the scent of pepper spray will soon fill the air.

I just follow SEC football. There are those who can tell you the standings in every college conference and each pro division. Simply put I just can’t keep up with all that info, plus my liver couldn’t stand all that abuse.  If the weekend is not enough now they have games on Monday and Thursday nights. Com’on gang, enough is enough. I know fanatics who’s wives have left them in September and they did not realize they were divorced until February.

I have gone through the usual procedures to get ready for the season. I arranged for a weekly delivery from the liquor store, put the pizza guys on alert, called my bookie, got out all my War Eagle decorations out and hung my Auburn flag on the front door. Since the first game is against Clemson I sand-bagged the front door and taped all of the windows. Things will get shaky if Auburn wins.

I hope everyone enjoys the games and hope your team wins, except if they’re playing Auburn. WAR EAGLE!!! © 2016, Jim McGowan

 

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Written by harmonycounty

September 1, 2016 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Humor

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